CHAPTER 22

BREAST CANCER 2019-2020

I am finished the drug part of this journey !    It has been a very long year and a half yet, time has slipped by in a blink, both sides now somehow . . .

 

My last herceptin treatment was last Tuesday and I can honestly say that I feel stronger just knowing there are no more knockdowns coming from treatments.

 

I will have final visits with my oncologist and surgeon to finish me up but it is now  my time to take back the lead in my life.

 

For the past three months I have been facing the emotional state of realizing everything and nothing has changed, perhaps the most demanding and difficult part of this time. Good news is the process is underway for returning to normal life and balance…

I plan do it slowly and let myself taste day to day “newness” whenever I can

I have made a promise to myself not to dump in the stress piles I am famous for.  I have learned, in this dark time, this is one of my creative methods for preventing feelings from registering. This is new to my awareness and brings light into the dark spaces of the depression I fell into at the finish of my radiation treatments .

Lots to learn and lots to appreciate. The day came when I took an old canvas and worked out my emotions with a brush. My hands and their brush extensions came alive with the emotions that had pushed up to the surface during the treatments in the room I called “the coffin” : a cement fortress room where they did our radiation sessions. This strange cross shape cut into the ceiling tile where the light came through became a symbolic part of the sessions for me.

An “x” was often there in my work, but to recognize it during these treatments, it became something that I held on to as I laid on the table. One day, as I walked through an icy rainstorm to the cancer center, I found a black cross made of felt in a puddle on the road. As I am known to do I picked it up and carried it with me as a gift of the symbol I had chosen. A confirmation.

Some of my new learning has been how to let out the rather large emotions inside me when I need to . . . and the paintbrush and a canvas are wonderful vehicles for that. Also, I am learning to hum when I want to interrupt my spiral . . . new tricks for this old pony.

 

All part of this rather significant chapter in my life story.

 

Sorry to have been so unable to write, there are so many reasons to be quiet at times, especially when life turns upside down.

It feels good to begin to write and post again as we all are on high alert for ourselves and our loved ones on this planet with this virus.

It seems just as I was ready to begin to travel again the world is coming to a standstill, so we will travel to one another via the keys.

 

sending love from my space into yours

Love to hear from any or all of you,

Kate~