I feel I can finally write and close a chapter as I feel my strength returning.

As I went into and then under the fog and illness of cancer and chemotherapy I had no idea I would become as weak and ill as I did. The kind of chemo I was on made me very sick, more in hospital than home. After lung surgery and two months of chemotherapy I was a much lesser me.

As scary as this time has been the doctors, nurses and staff in the hospital were amazing. Kind and determined to find out what was going on next in my body.

Without Brad and my sister beside me I am not sure I would have managed through all of this. 

“A tough one, little traumas that added up to blood clots, doctor great and supportive today feeling weary and tired of hurting my body to make it better. A time of confusion emotionally…going for a walk to find answers.“

“Second hospitalization, this time for zero neutrophils, cells that fight infection were wiped out by the the chemo. Spasms even while trying to rest. The bowel has gone crazy. My job now is to protect it. Told I need to eat so that I have protein to make new cells. Unfortunately, my discomfort makes me not want to eat at all. Crisis has become more normal than normal and I can’t imagine making it through two more of these rounds before I have accomplished the goal.“

“If I told the truth tonight, it would be that this is horrible. This journey has been so much much harder so much more damaging then we could have known but in that same telling would be gifts of such kindness from others, from friends, from family, from my love … from the team in this hospital; such remarkable gentleness, understanding, kindness, and respect. I can’t describe this well, but the contrast between these two realities is huge.“

It felt like somehow in the depths of weakness and illness I became separated from my body. I was an observer … I watched and saw how incredible the human body is and how it naturally works to repair itself, and, dramatically once finding the source of the illness …

Home again. Our daily talks were that we had agreed to do this, that it meant my life would be extended, that we made it this far and that it could not get any worse … then, at our oncology appointment before the start of the third round of treatments, we learned that it was over, it was too much for my body. I was to take a few weeks to rest, recover and then begin immunotherapy in the new year.

Stunning wonderful hopeful news.

Now, after more than a month without chemo, I am gradually growing stronger.

… but I find myself without spark or desire to create anything – which is a very strange place for me …

I miss my energy, I miss the ideas that always play along like a sound track in my mind. Being without this part of me makes me realize how much I treasure my life and these creative gifts I have been given … and how without them I feel a little naked.

The little rabbit I made just before I began this time continues to sit in my drawings and is a reminder that just maybe I might need to embrace this time of rest and recovery.

This blog is for scribbling, to show my art and to write about my creative life. It is the sharing of my experiences that makes it real.

Coming through this time I am wrapping into the hope that in time I will find my way back to the world of creative imagination that is my best life …

… and I will look forward to whatever comes.

My wish : may our next chapters bring health and with it the gift of energy and vitality that holds spark and purpose . . . .

thank you for listening. xo